


Who Would You Rather...?

by vinniebatman



Series: Atlantis Antics [3]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-01
Updated: 2013-09-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 06:59:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/950079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinniebatman/pseuds/vinniebatman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the ladies of Atlantis play a game, and McKay invites a member of the Council he considered useful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Would You Rather...?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
> Warning: I will repeat that this is crazy, mindless crack. Just... cracky crack crack. That's all I have to say about it.

The balcony was located on one of the more remote edges of the city. It had been one of the areas that had been flooded first when the shield had failed, and neither the area nor it's transporter had been repaired. After the initial teams had deemed it "not-too-dangerous-except-for-the-broken-bits," it had been ignored. But Faith and Dawn liked the balcony. It was isolated and remote, giving them privacy and the ocean breeze. The two sat on the ground with Laura Cadman and Teyla, enjoying the sunshine and a picnic lunch.

"Okay Laura, so no questions about Beckett. Hmmm...who would you rather fuck, Sheppard or... Xander?" Dawn asked, chewing her peanut butter and salsa sandwich. Laura laughed.

"Neither! Spike would rip my spine out, and McKay would probably poison me. I don't think Rodney and the Colonel are doing the freaky yet, but when I was stuck in his head, the man thought about John waaaay too much," she giggled, taking a sip of Faith's smuggled beer.

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Okay, one: Spike and Xander aren't doing it yet. Two: just for clarification, Spike says he can smell Sheppard and McKay all over each other, and all over the city. Apparently they are quite adventurous. And third, it's all hypothetical, so if we were in a completely free environment, no consequences, who would you pick?"

"Depends. I heard Spike teasing Xander, so first I need to know: did his fiancee really call him a viking in the sack?"

Faith snickered. "Oh yeah. I was Xan's first, and let me tell you: boy is a natural. He didn't have any experience, but it was a damn good ride. He can't dance for shit, but he's got the right rhythm."

Teyla raised her eyebrow while Laura grinned. "Okay, definitely Xander."

"Very well, then. I believe it is my turn. Dawn, who would you rather... fuck: Xander or Ronon?" Teyla asked, grinning.

"Ronon," Laura and Faith replied in unison.

"Hey, you don't know that for sure," Dawn argued. "I mean, I've had a crush on Xander for a...." Seeing the disbelieving looks on the others' faces, she rolled her eyes. "Fine! It would totally be Ronon. He's all hot and sexy and growly. And did I mention hot."

Teyla laughed. "I believe that your did. I agree, Ronon is most appealing. I have seen him shirtless before, and the sight was quite... attractive."

"Well what about you, Faith, who are you lookin' at?" Laura asked, biting into a piece of Athosian fruit. Faith leaned back on her arms.

"Ya want the whole list?" she asked. "You've got a lot salty goodness here."

"But if you were simply desirous of pleasure, who in the city would be your first choice?" Teyla clarified.

"Hmm... dunno." She shook her head. "Even though the thing with Robin didn't work out, I don't feel like hittin' a bunch of different guys. I'm kinda liking the idea sticking with a guy long enough that he learns just how to touch me."

"Wow, emotional growth," Dawn muttered, impressed. "So who are you into?"

"Well, Sheppard isn't too hard on the eyes. Lorne's not too bad, either, but he does remind me too much of Finn. Then there's Dex." Laura and Dawn let out matching sighs. "That man looks like he knows how to handle himself and a woman. Bet he fucks like a jackhammer."

Both of Teyla's eyebrows arched as Laura frowned in contemplation. Dawn glared, but didn't say anything. Faith laughed.

"Don't stress it, Mini-Giles. This is all hypothetical, right? I don't plan on stepping on your toes for a ride."

"Well good, because he's my alien salty goodness," Dawn explained.

Teyla smiled. "He is quite attractive, Dawn; perhaps you should put a warning label on him."

Laura laughed. "Yeah, 'property of Dawn Summers, you touch, you die!" The group dissolved into giggles.

"Just as long as we agree that he's mine," Dawn clarified with a sniff.  
  
"Agreed," the others responded.  
  
"Okay, since we've agreed he's Dawnie's, anyone want to put someone else on their 'don't fuck' list?" Faith asked.  
  
Laura smiled bashfully. "Major Lorne. He's great, he's really smart, and he likes explosions almost as much as I do. And he has a great body. Sometimes I see him working out, and he gets all sweaty and his shirt sticks. One time, he took his shirt off." Laura stared at the sky, shivering. "Okay, what about you, Faith?"

_"Dr. Weir to Faith."_ Faith rolled her eyes as she tapped her earpiece on.

"Yo, I'm here."

_"Stargate command had just notified us that two of your associates will be arriving within the hour. Would you like to be here to greet them?"_

"Sure, I'll be there."

_"Excellent. Is Miss Summers with you as well?"_

"Yeah, she's here."

_"Could you please bring her as well, and remind her that she should wear her earpiece instead of putting it in her pocket?"_

"No problem, Doc. Faith out."  
  
* * * * * * *  
The four women walked into the gate room half an hour later, chattering. Xander, Spike and the remainder of Atlantis' senior staff had already arrived.

"What's up, Doc?" Dawn asked. Xander snickered as Dr. Weir shut her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. A puddle jumper slipped through the event horizon and settled on the floor. The hatch opened.

"Hi ya'll!" came the happy greeting from Fred. Andrew stood beside her, smiling as he attempted to look officious, which was ruined by the Union Jack back pack he carried. Faith, Dawn, Xander and Spike froze.

"Wh-what are you doing here," Xander asked. Rodney smiled as he approached the Texan.

"I looked at some of the records for your group and discovered a member that could actually be of some use to us," he explained.

"I'm really excited to be here," Fred babbled, grinning. Spike sighed.

"We've already explained everything to them, Blue. You can drop the act." The smile dropped from Fred's face.

"Good. It was nauseating, pretending to be an insect," she sneered. Rodney's eyes widened comically as her brown hair and tanned skin faded to blue and white.

"What the hell?" Sheppard frowned, staring at Illyria. "Is this some kind of spell, Miss Burkle?" Illyria snarled. Rodney scrambled away, then John moved to stand in front of the skittish scientist.

"Do not refer to me by the name of this shell. And do not presume to address me, scum. I ruled this planet while your kind were merely bits of sludge. If you had lived during my reign, I would have given you to my slaves and allowed them to rip your body apart as your soul watched, helpless and screaming."

"Oh boy, I believe introductions are in order," Xander said quickly. "Everyone, allow me to introduce Illyria, Old One and former God-King of the primordium. She ruled the world before humans had form and enjoyed squishing the slime of our ancestors between her tentacles. Good times."

A cold smile graced Illyria's face. "It was most pleasurable."

"Wait, so if you're not Winifred Burkle, what happened to her?" McKay asked.

Illyria raised her chin. "Gone. Her soul was-."

"Destroyed in the fires of her resurrection," the assembled Scoobies finished, bored.

Andrew stepped forward. "Anyways, I am Andrew Wells, Watcher." Faith snorted. Andrew sighed. "Fine, I am Andrew Wells, Watcher-in-training, seeking of redemption to atone for my past misdeeds. Currently, I am here as Illyria's guide-."

With a roar, Illyria grabbed Andrew around his throat and lifted him off the ground. "You are a vermin, not worthy to be my Qwa'ha Xahn. Do not call yourself such."

"Whoa, Blue! Calm down," Spike said, moving closer. "He's just a puny insect, no challenge in killing him." Illyria turned to look at Spike.

"True."

"Just put him down and we'll find something else for you to kill, alright?" Spike offered. Illyria dropped Andrew on the floor.

"That is acceptable. I wish to do violence."

"Why are you guys here, Andrew?" Dawn asked. Andrew coughed.

"Illy- I mean, her highness felt the other girls were taking all the fun, so when Dr. McKay requested Winifred Burkle, Giles sent us here.  He thought there'd be more things for her to kill here.."

"Yes, the Watcher promised me violence," she said, wandering over to look at the Stargate.

"The Watcher?" Dr. Weir asked, rubbing her temples.

"Dr. Giles," Andrew explained. Reaching into his backpack, he pulled out a book. "Here, Dr. Giles wanted me to give you this," he said, handing the book to Weir. Dr. Weir smiled.

"Way to go, Doc," Faith hooted. "Got Tweedy wrapped around your finger." Dr. Weir's cheeks colored.

"Uh, what are you doing Illyria?" Dawn asked, watching as the Old One gently ran her fingers over the ring.

"The energy sings to me as the green once did," she whispered.

Sheppard groaned. "God, don't guys know anyone normal?"


End file.
